Doing All The Things: Mediocre Ramblings About Stuff

Evening, Subheading: Brains are the worst. This entry is likely to be messy, and I'm sorry for that. It also needs a trigger warning for talk about depression and suicidal ideation. As you read this, you're going to wonder why I would ever share something like this. I'm sharing mostly because I want to start better tracking the warning signs that I'm getting to an unmanagable place, so it's easier to recognize. Also, because of this quote about depression: "A human being can survive almost anything as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end." -Elizabeth Wurtzel I need to know, and everyone else needs to know, there is an end to every major episode. I've discussed previously that in January of this year, I experienced a mental breakdown. I was on a mental health leave from my job for four months, and in that time period I experimented with new anxiety medicat...

  Evening, Subheading: I just took a DNA test, turns out... As children, most of us look to our parents or caretakers for guidance. We study the way they move, think, interact, and survive. We begin life instinctually mimicking those behaviors. As we grow, we believe that by doing so, we will learn how to venture into the world successfully. It’s also a form of bonding with our parents, the nurture side of nature vs nurture. Our voice sometimes takes on their inflection, we pick up their mannerisms, and we learn how to communicate. Of course, some of this is nature. One argument is that nature endows us with inborn abilities and traits, while nurture takes these traits and cultivates them as we learn and mature. For example, you may be born with musical inclinations, but you won’t become a skilled musician without practice. Perhaps it will take less effort and practice for you than others, though. It will feel easier, like having a cheat code. It seems like it would be easier to de...

Evening, Subheading: I'm Paying Attention.  Today at work I met a person who was shot five times, run over purposefully by a car, lost their sight, and lived to tell the tale. I learned this as I was checking them in and asking them to verify if this visit was being billed to an auto insurance, or just their normal policy. They looked confused for a second when I asked, and I said, "If this was due to an auto accident, they may be paying..." etc etc. They laughed and told me that what happened to them was definitely not an accident. After getting them checked in, I asked if they wanted help finding a seat in the lobby. They said, "Thank you for not asking if I needed help, but if I wanted it. That's really thoughtful. Also yes, I both want and need help." We laughed. I walked them to the end of the lobby and not very gracefully helped them find a seat. We chatted for a few minutes, mostly laughing, and I was struck by how much joy they still managed to find ...

Afternoon, Subheading: Post-relationship avoidances.  Whenever a relationship ends, whether it is romantic or platonic, I feel like we all have the habit of taking stock of the things that remind us of that person; places we went together, songs, inside jokes, etc. Sometimes we choose to revisit these things as a way to remember and appreciate, and sometimes we say, "Well, this thing is ruined for me now". Most of us have a handful of both, I am guessing. Sometimes time can shift these items from one column to another as we heal, or even erase the connection all together. Other times, the things that sting the most just always seem to sting.  I decided to write out some things in the form of a list, and ended up writing a strange/cathartic sort of poem instead. I suppose I am sharing so people know they aren't alone in this habit of looking at something seemingly arbitrary, like a hamburger, and bursting into tears. Love is really fucking weird like that, the way it seeps...

 Afternoon, Subheading: 21 Things.  I'm about to ruffle some feathers, but my favorite Alanis Morissette album isn't Jagged Little Pill; it's Under Rug Swept.  I KNOW, I know, but look... I'm a very lyrically driven person, and the songs on Under Rug Swept resonate. Also, I don't accept judgement from anyone who hasn't listened to all of her catalogue. I'm kind of a snob about it. So there. One of my favorite songs on this album is called 21 Things I Want In A Lover. I recently posed this question to my best girlfriends as a thought exercise: What would your 21 things be?  One of my friends responded by saying, "This is hard. I've never asked myself what I wanted, truly." I'm sure she isn't alone in this. Sure, we all have preferences and things we look for, but when was the last time that you really sat down and thought about the things that are most important to you in a relationship? Is the answer "Never"? If it is, I encou...

 Afternoon, Subheading: Learning through loss.  Every time someone I love passes away, the words to express what I'm feeling seem to get harder to find rather than easier. I imagine that it's because the older I get, the more knowledge I've accrued about the facets of life, and love, and in turn- what the absence of life means to me. Also, I just know so many more synonyms  for life; like chronicle, vitality, or effervescence. Which one is right? How do you choose what to say to guide the ones you love through an event that will be viewed through so many different lenses of grief? I've been trying to think about what I've felt in moments of significant loss, and what I've learned in their wake. The answer to my grief surely must be tangled in there somewhere. When my Meme, my Great Grandma Verna, passed away there was a moment that stood out, and I've carried it through the years unwittingly. As we all stood silently beside her grave, we were invited to sca...

 Morning, Subheading: I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that mean? A little over a month ago, I purchased a modular home in Hartland.  Until now, I've always had a roommate or lived with a partner. In plainer terms, whether or not I had a home was always dependent on another person. If I separate from a partner in the future, we will just go back to doing our own thing. I am rooted. My children can feel rooted and know that, regardless of how our lives change, this space in the world is ours.  Though I know this is a monumental thing in my life, it wasn't something I felt particularly proud of initially. I said out loud that I felt proud, thinking that would breathe life into the idea, but it didn't. Partially because everything happened so last minute, and I didn't believe it would actually come to fruition. The dominoes of selling your home and purchasing another have to line up just so. I had to schedule movers to load and unload my moving truck before I had o...