The Eighteenth One.

 Afternoon,

Subheading: 21 Things. 

I'm about to ruffle some feathers, but my favorite Alanis Morissette album isn't Jagged Little Pill; it's Under Rug Swept. 

I KNOW, I know, but look... I'm a very lyrically driven person, and the songs on Under Rug Swept resonate. Also, I don't accept judgement from anyone who hasn't listened to all of her catalogue. I'm kind of a snob about it. So there.

One of my favorite songs on this album is called 21 Things I Want In A Lover. I recently posed this question to my best girlfriends as a thought exercise: What would your 21 things be? 

One of my friends responded by saying, "This is hard. I've never asked myself what I wanted, truly." I'm sure she isn't alone in this. Sure, we all have preferences and things we look for, but when was the last time that you really sat down and thought about the things that are most important to you in a relationship? Is the answer "Never"? If it is, I encourage you to join us in this exercise, and if you want to, comment with your list! I'd love to read it. 

I'm not going to post these in any particular order, because I'm sure many of them could easily be number one.

Here we go!

"These are 21 things that I want in a lover. Not necessarily needs, but qualities that I prefer."

1) I will start with an easy one: Passionate about music, and capable of enjoying most genres. Must not equate their lack of enjoyment with a lack of artistic talent, and instead understands that what we enjoy is personal and subjective. Seeks out new artists. Willing to make playlists with me.

2) A proficient writer. This is less about a snobby outlook on people who use poor grammar, and more about Words of Affirmation being my primary love language. I find I am best able to express myself via the written word, and if my partner can't/won't appreciate that, we aren't going to connect as deeply. 

3) Expanding on that, someone who is ready and able to communicate honestly about their needs, and isn't afraid that doing so will damage our relationship. You hear it all the time, "I'm not a mind reader." but, it's very true. We all want to show up for our partners, so let's tell them how. 

4) In turn, this means I need someone that is self aware, emotionally intelligent, and interested in ongoing self reflection. As we grow and change, what we want changes, too. 

5) Derives joy when someone else succeeds/is happy, and is willing to deconstruct their jealousy. Believes jealousy is a symptom of the actual problem, and wants to solve the problem, not mask the symptom. 

6) Politically aware, liberal, and willing to reflect on their role in systemic injustices.

7) Must be interested in kink. I did not used to think this was a need, but after spending a couple years exploring my sexual interests and proclivities, I know now that I can not exist in a monogamous relationship, or my primary partnership, without it. 

8) Interested in the arts. Not only visual arts like sculptures and paintings, but also literary art like poetry, and performing art such as theatre and dance. Architecture, film, philosophy. Someone who can appreciate the inspiration behind the art, and its story, even if they don't necessarily appreciate the finished product. 

9) Great sense of humor, but not necessarily boisterous. Witty. 

10) Someone that takes time to cultivate the hobbies and passions they have outside of the ones they share with me. It is important to maintain your sense of individuality. 

11) In tandem, someone not looking for an "adventure", or if they are, they are cool going without me. Look, I don't want to travel to every country in Europe in a 7 day period. I don't want to climb mountains big enough that they use dead people as trail markers. I find it inspiring that you do, and I will cheer you on from the couch as I watch the new season of Law and Order with my dog, (Detective John) Munch.

12) Someone with strong/well formed opinions, but still capable of adapting as new information presents itself. Not afraid to be wrong; to learn. 

13) Must take initiative in the relationship. This is huge. Taking time to plan dates, do laundry without being asked, and just taking on their share of the mental load in general. 

14) Understands that there are many forms of intelligence and appreciates people for the unique knowledge they bring to the table rather than judging or belittling their talents for being different. This sounds like I mean something big, but it's the day to day ways this shines through that are more important. You wouldn't want 5 American history buffs on your trivia team, right? You need someone who knows how many islands make up Indonesia (Five major, and about 30 smaller groups, if you're curious. There are a total number of 17,508 islands, of which about 6000 are inhabited.), what Mr.Big's real name is on Sex and the City (John James Preston), and that most car horns beep in the tune of F. 

15) Generous- both with their time, and their affection. 

16) You don't need to love all my favorite things, or even half of them, but I really need you to like coffee. 

17) Doesn't believe that finding the right partner will magically complete them. They feel whole on their own, and overflowing with me. 

18) Someone ready, not just someone who wants to be. They don't have to know what our relationship is, or what it means in the grand scheme of their life, but they're ready to spend time together and find out.

19) Patient. I am completely aware that I can be "wordy". Sometimes it takes me a long time to spit things out. Sometimes I have to try 3 times before I get it right- but you'll know without a doubt that I am always trying to get it right, and I am trying because I love you. "And I salute you for your courage, and I applaud your perseverance, and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces that I represent." 

20) I know this sounds crazy, but someone who actually gives a shit about women, and is willing to stand up to the people that don't- even when those people are his friends. 

21) A connection with mutual support. A partnership where my fascination and appreciation for my partner drives me to want to learn and grow, but because I am inspired, not afraid or feeling obligated to grow because they will be disappointed if I don't. 

"This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is."

I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.