The 25th One, Part One.

Afternoon,

Subheading: My SFD (Shitty First Draft). 

One of my favorite humans is an author named Brene Brown. She has a book that I have been making my way through recently, and it's called Rising Strong. It's a book about what it means to rise up after a failure, loss, etc. and how to do it with integrity. I could quote a lot of things from this book, but this passage currently sticks out: 

"When it comes to our SFDs, it's important that we don't filter the experience, polish our words, or worry about how our story makes us look (which is why writing is often safer than having a conversation). We can't get to our brave new ending if we start from an inauthentic place. So give yourself permission to wade through the sometimes-murky waters of whateveryou'rethinkingandfeeling. You can be mad, self-righteous, blaming, confused. Just don't edit and don't try to "get it right.""

When I first started reading this book it was a few months ago. I commonly jump from book to book, and this one rotated to the bottom of the pile. With everything I have had going on lately, I picked it back up, and I almost want to restart it from the beginning because I am seeing it through new eyes- the eyes of a potentially bi-polar person. 

As soon as the words "suspected unspecified bi-polar disorder" came out of my psychiatrist's mouth when I was in the hospital, I knew I wasn't going home without a new book.

To that end, I'm also reading a book on Bi-Polar disorder called Take Charge of BiPolar Disorder: A 4 Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability by Julia A. Fast and John Preston. I'm really enjoying it and plan to also buy their other book Loving Someone with BiPolar Disorder. The current book is broken down into four sections: Medications and Supplements, Lifestyle Changes, Behavioral Changes, and Asking for Help. What I am hoping to do with this entry, and the next three, is to discuss what I learn from each section. 

First, what even is bipolar disorder? It is a genetically (thanks, Mom) transmitted medical illness that affects brain chemistry. It results in abnormal regulation of nerve cells that are responsible for emotional regulation. This abnormality in brain chemistry leads to difficulties in controlling strong emotions and periodically causes intense episodes of either mania or depression, as well as a wide variety of other symptoms attached either to the manic or depressed mood swing. 

The first section of my book focuses on medication. The most important quote that came from this section (for me) was, "To use the diabetes model, just as a person with diabetes can't by willpower alone regulate their pancreas to stabilize insulin and blood sugar levels, you as a person with bipolar disorder have a brain that can't regulate itself chemically the way a non-bipolar brain can- especially when it comes to regulating thoughts, emotions, and behaviors." 

Also, "The first step toward getting well is to stop blaming yourself for having an illness."

This statement is not trying to say that bipolar people are incapable of controlling themselves and therefor are blameless. It's not a pardon, it's a medical explanation. You can want your loved one to be capable of controlling themselves and reigning in their feelings, but if they're not properly medicated and in the midst of a manic episode, it's highly unlikely that this will be possible. The first thing mania does is take away insight that the person is manic, and it can leave them feeling completely terrified and out of control.

Backtracking to Brene Brown, I am sure you can imagine how that leaves me feeling different about the idea of a Shitty First Draft. Writing something from a place of confusion or pain is one thing, writing while in a manic place is another entirely. I am learning that the way my bipolar manifests is spiraling intrusive thoughts, panic, word vomit, hyper-fixating, etc. If I take all of that and put it in a place where no one will ever see it that is one thing (though still not great), but the most consistent symptom of mania for me (and many bipolar people) seems to be impulsivity. So instead of hitting save and letting it go, I take the monologue I have been working on for hours and send it without regard for what could happen, or even what I reasonably want to happen. I do it without regard for the feelings of those I am hurting. I do it, because in those moments, not doing it feels impossible. 

The problem is that it absolutely is possible to not emotionally unload on those I care about. People make that choice every day, and with the right medication as a foundation, I can too. 

After only one month on my new medication, I am able to step back, thoughtfully analyze my behavior (and now with the help of my therapist), and discuss how to navigate my triggers. I have decided that if I am writing while in an anxious place, I need to:

1) Immediately recognize that I may be manic (even if I am not) and limit the amount of time I allow myself to write. This shortens the time I allow myself to hyper fixate. I can then look in my workbook I got from the hospital and choose a better coping strategy, such as going for a walk, reading, or doing something creative. 

2) If it's something I could imagine myself sending to another person, I should hand write it in a journal so that I am incapable of sending something I may regret. This advice actually came from my friend Rachel.

I am sure there are more, but those seem like two big ones right now, and the only reason I am able to think about this reasonably is because I am now medicated properly. The importance of finding the right medications and staying medicated can't be stressed enough. 

It's also important to stress that, after a manic episode, it can take the brain a significant amount of time to return to stability- especially if the episode required hospitalization. This is equally important for loved ones to know as it is for me to know, and in later chapters the book talks about learning your body's signs. Once you learn to differentiate between your real emotions and bipolar disorder emotions, you can make amazing progress toward stability. Stability is the goal- not to be cured. There is no cure, there is only active management of symptoms. 

I am looking forward to learning more about how to manage things for myself, and I am feeling more equipped to do so.

As usual, I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things. 

P.S, Any funny memes posted along with these entries are to create some levity, not to diminish the pain I have caused to those close to me.