The Twenty-Seventh One, Part Two.

 Evening,

Subheading: "How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily. I'm thirteen again; am I thirteen for good?"

As mentioned in the title, this is part two of an entry on the topic of abandonment. If you haven't read the first then I'd suggest doing that. 

I don't believe that all of our movement through life and our decision making processes can be blamed on our past- but it doesn't take a psychiatrist to know that the past certainly comes into play.

I don't trust easily, romantically or otherwise. I think people have this perception about me that, because I am open and honest about my life and feelings, that this equates to a certain level of trust. I'm learning that, honestly, it's a bit of the opposite. 

I used to choose to only trust certain people with things that I share openly now in blogs and on social media. Things about my childhood, my views on love, religion, politics. Sharing those things made me feel safe with someone, connected, like I trusted them with the more fragile pieces of me. Now, I share to better understand myself, and to help others feel less alone in their journey. I trust myself with the fragile pieces, and let others view them. I'm open and honest because, if my thoughts and emotions are out in the world, and I share them freely, then no one can try to pull them out of me privately as an active bid for connection. That exchanging of sensitive information isn't something special only between the two of us that can be used to build a foundation that will, in my mind, inevitably crumble later. 

It's also a sort of filtering process. I've given you the raw, the difficult, the introspection- so you cannot act surprised by it later and use it as an excuse to leave. You knew up front who I am.

I do not say any of that because I am proud of it, or think it's the right way to exist, or that doing any of that actually works the way I hope it will. I'm saying it merely because I am only now beginning to realize that I behave this way. When I try to better understand something, I write about it. What I am understanding is... it's a way to try to shied myself from being abandoned by the people I love and trust. A lot of my behavior is. 

It's hard to decipher what things I do because they're logical and natural, what things I do as a defense mechanism, and if doing any of them is genuinely the right thing to do. It's hard because I have been abandoned many times. 

I have been abandoned by my Mom, who never asked to be a Mom, and who nearly gave me up for adoption. Ultimately she decided to keep me and abandon me over and over in a myriad of ways throughout my life instead. Not showing up for holidays, plays I performed in, key moments in my life, regular everyday plans, etc. As an adult I better understand and relate to the reasons she had for some of her behaviors, but that doesn't mean they did not harm me. My relationship with her today is much better, and she is actively attempting to right some of these wrongs, but the damage is still done.

I was abandoned by a man who was supposed to be my Dad, but when his marriage to my Mom didn't work out, I was left behind. I'm sure my Mom made it difficult to keep a relationship with me, I'm sure it was not as simple as walking away, but he still left, and again, the damage was still done.

I have been abandoned by multiple romantic partners in ways not always as simple as them leaving me. In fact, I have probably made the decision to end more relationships than those I didn't end. One moved to another state and left me behind, one kept me just close enough with the promise of "someday" for years, more than one cheated and lied, one left me to go back to a wife that didn't love him, and many just believed I wanted too much and left.  

One of the most damaging relationships was my marriage to the father of my son. He was the Step-Father to my young daughter, but things took a drastic turn when we officially got married, he became an entirely different person, and I had to make the choice to leave. When I did, it was a repeat of the situation with Glenn- he abandoned my daughter and only maintained a relationship with my son. I have never felt more guilt or shame than I have over this situation, and I can only hope that she doesn't carry it with her the same way that I have. 

This abandonment isn't just reserved for my family and romantic partners either- it has also happened in friendships. Some of those friendships spanned decades, and the wounds from those honestly run deeper than most of my romantic relationship failures. When I was honest with friends about my past sexual assault by a mutual friend I was not believed and my rapist was prioritized over me. There were other factors that played into the ending of that friendship, but that was the final straw- it had to be, so I could heal. 

I'm not talking about any of this so people will attempt to comfort me or feel sorry for me- it's meant to be a very brief explanation that a lifetime of abandonment has taught me to expect and prepare for it to happen again. I'm talking about it so I recognize that I'm doing this, and I can begin to do some work to heal from these things and not let them dictate how I move in future relationships.

While I will always live my life authentically, proudly, openly- I am not often vulnerable with people because I have been shown over and over that that is not a safe path. Vulnerability for me looks like- allowing/inviting someone to be there for me physically or emotionally in a moment of crisis, or on an important day, or at an important event- giving them the opportunity to disappoint me, and being shown that they won't. Only then will I go deeper with people about any of the topics I've discussed earlier and let that lead to a shared bond. Only then will I be brave enough to do something like... get mad at them if they disappoint me, or hurt me, and tell them they've done so. If I don't feel safe with you, you will never know you've upset me, because I probably don't trust that you will stay around if you see me upset. 

I make no promises that I will, but I hope to make more choices to be vulnerable. I hope that I will let more people in my life in, and meet more people that I choose to trust. 

As usual, I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.

Some levity: