The Twenty-Fourth One.

Evening,

Subheading: Brains are the worst.

This entry is likely to be messy, and I'm sorry for that. It also needs a trigger warning for talk about depression and suicidal ideation. As you read this, you're going to wonder why I would ever share something like this. I'm sharing mostly because I want to start better tracking the warning signs that I'm getting to an unmanagable place, so it's easier to recognize. Also, because of this quote about depression:

"A human being can survive almost anything as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

I need to know, and everyone else needs to know, there is an end to every major episode.

I've discussed previously that in January of this year, I experienced a mental breakdown. I was on a mental health leave from my job for four months, and in that time period I experimented with new anxiety medications. This involved weaning myself off my current med, while at the same time slowly starting another one. What that means is that while I was withdrawing from one med, I was also experiencing the initial side effects of my new med at the same time. Because I was in such a delicate state, my doctor felt that was really the only option, because stopping something all together can be more dangerous.

I switched twice before starting my most recent medication, Prozac. It gave me less side effects than the previous med, and seemed to be doing ok enough at helping my depression, so I decided to stick with this one and hope the side effects got better. Spoiler alert: they didn't. Side effects I have been having since starting Prozac included worsening lethargy, daily dizziness and nausea, a general sense of feeling off- which only people who have taken anti-depressants are going to understand, worsening night sweats (which, in fairness could also be because I take birth control to manage my Endometriosis symptoms, but this feels worse), and frequent headaches. If you have taken any of these medications or know someone who has, then you know it can take months for your body to positively respond to a new medication and for the side effects to calm down. It's an arduous process. 

Throughout this whole process beginning in January, I was having depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. Not frequent, less than a handful in total, but still- I was not having an easy time of this. When my depression got really bad, I was having suicidal thoughts to the tune of, "I'm a burden and people would be better off without me", "I can't take care of myself and don't deserve to be alive", and the chart topper, "I hope I don't wake up tomorrow." These are just thoughts that were not accompanied by any sort of plan, or follow through attempt, and they passed pretty quickly. They scared me, but I never really felt I was a danger to myself, even at my worst low. I took them very seriously though, due to the history of suicide in my family. My Grandfather took his own life in 2011, and my Mom made two attempts before that, within the same year.

For a couple weeks now, I have noticed my depression symptoms worsening again. The thing about depression (at least mine) is that, unlike anxiety, it can be very sneaky. It doesn't feel like being sad, it often can feel like a deep inability to process anything. You may have an unpleasant feeling, but can't force yourself to think about it or deal with it, because "why bother?" I'm also going through trouble with money and was almost evicted from my home for a second time this year, and a new bout of cervical dysplasia has come up which is grade 2 and requires surgery at the end of July. It's not exactly weird that maybe I would be feeling a little down about life. 

I am in-between insurances currently because I started a new job, and my new insurance kicks in on July 1st. As I mentioned, money has been a major hurdle for me this year, and psychiatric care is expensive and VERY HARD to get into. For these reasons (paired with the emotional stress of accepting I have to start this process all over again) I decided to try to power through until July. I've been feeling shitty for months, what is another couple weeks, right? 

Don' be like me. Don't let money, or fear, or exhaustion, or literally anything else deter you from calling your doctor and getting help. If you do, like me, you'll probably have another (probably worse) breakdown. I desperately wish I had made a different choice.

A chronicle of my week to look back on in the future:

I knew it was getting bad on Sunday. We were trying to have a late Father's Day with Alex, and our plans had to change multiple times. Normally this would stress me out or agitate me, but I felt like a complete zombie about it. I didn't care what we ended up doing, I just needed someone to tell me what to do. I was completely exhausted, overstimulated by noise, and all I wanted to do was sleep. 

Monday my work was closed due to a power outage from the storms on Sunday. I needed to clean up my house, but couldn't bring myself to do it. However, I then just sat around feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by my lack of ability to adult. I cried about it, but still mostly didn't do anything. 

Tuesday was a repeat of Monday. I received some news that was emotionally complicated for me, proceeded to hyper fixate on it for the entire day, and ended up throwing an emotional bomb at two people I love very much in response. I'm going to be vague about this part because frankly I am humiliated. I had no idea if the thing I was upset about was genuinely the issue, or part of something larger, that idea was too far away to grasp. I sobbed about it because I started to realize I was spiraling, then proceeded to... keep going on saying stuff to people for some reason? Went to bed feeling like a terrible human. 

Wednesday, still no work. Woke up and the first thing I did was message some more bullshit. I can't express to you enough how difficult it is to know the difference between speaking about something you deeply believe and spiraling out about a thought you have decided, for no reason at all, is a deep belief. Especially when you're an articulate human- it's so easy to blur that line. It also feels impossible to stop saying words- I need to realize that when I am on a tangent, I am likely not doing well. Finally something snapped in my brain to be like, "WHY WON"T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!?" And I bet you're thinking, great, so you stopped your bullshit right? Nah. I took some of what I refer to as my "e-brake" anxiety med, which is not Xanax, but like Xanax. Not even a couple hours after taking it I started to see some shred of reason, but not before I did and said more awful things. On my drive home I had a thought, vivid, almost like a command from my brain telling me, "You should probably drive into that construction vehicle. You'll die instantly." It was the closest I felt to acting on something, and it was horrifying. Once I got home, the fog was lifting on what was happening to me, and I proceeded to have an anxiety attack followed by a complete breakdown.

I spent virtually the entire day Wednesday sobbing, passing out, waking up- wash, rinse, repeat. The entire time it was happening, I told myself I deserved it, and I believed myself whole heartedly. I would be lying to you if I said that today, Thursday, I felt like I didn't deserve it- but I still do, though not in the same way or to the same extent. Today it's more like, "Yeah you have an illness, but you should know better by now how to know when you're getting to this place, and because you don't, it's your fault."

To be clear, this illness is terrifying because it affects your mind, your ability to think rationally, and to correct your actions or regulate your emotions in the heat of the moment. I know that I try very hard to read about and understand my illness. I practice a lot of self reflection so that I can better see warning signs. I've tried to stay medicated. I think I am forming cohesive thoughts about all of this today because I'm getting enough medication for the moment to help me think. However, I still have an illness- an illness that genuinely wants to kill me.

Today has been a lot less crying and a lot more staring at the ceiling. I have been diligently taking my e-brake anxiety medication every 6 hours, which is what is recommended for when you need it, though I doubled what I normally take (still a safe and reasonable dose). I'm already feeling like I am coming out of the worst of it, and I am attempting to move into the "doing something about it" phase. This is not to say I feel ok now, I don't. I am deeply sad and embarrassed, and feel like I was hit by a bus from all the crying I've done. Unfortunately, that wasn't even the hardest part- that comes next.

I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow morning first thing. When I talk to my doctor, I am going to get a new medicine prescribed, and start that right away. I am also going to ask for someone to help me find a therapist that takes my new insurance that I can get into immediately, and I am going to go in as soon as I possibly can. Any therapist at all right now is going to have to be ok- finding the perfect one can happen later when I am not in crisis. 

So, to future me, 5 days. The worst of your symptoms started, and dissipated, within 5 days. So on day three, when you feel like you will never get out of this, when you have a suicidal thought, you need to chant to yourself over and over again that you will get through this. When you feel like a zombie, when anxiety is suspiciously absent, that's a big warning sign that an episode is on its way. Avoid things that can trigger you at that point, like making any major decisions or having any complicated talks, and fucking tell someone that's where you are. Get help. Get help from the therapist you hopefully have before the next time you feel you need this reminder. 

To me, and to anyone else suffering through this, forgive yourself. Other people might not, and might not understand, but you have to live with your brain forever, and you have to treat it kindly. It desperately needs your kindness. You won't make it without it.

As always, I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.