The Sixteenth One.

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 Morning,

Subheading: I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that mean?

A little over a month ago, I purchased a modular home in Hartland. 

Until now, I've always had a roommate or lived with a partner. In plainer terms, whether or not I had a home was always dependent on another person. If I separate from a partner in the future, we will just go back to doing our own thing. I am rooted. My children can feel rooted and know that, regardless of how our lives change, this space in the world is ours. 

Though I know this is a monumental thing in my life, it wasn't something I felt particularly proud of initially. I said out loud that I felt proud, thinking that would breathe life into the idea, but it didn't. Partially because everything happened so last minute, and I didn't believe it would actually come to fruition. The dominoes of selling your home and purchasing another have to line up just so. I had to schedule movers to load and unload my moving truck before I had officially closed on the new place. I didn't even know if I would live there yet. Holding my breath, I prayed to baby Jesus that everything would turn out alright. This is a common occurrence in my life.

"But, all ends well.
How does it?
I don't know, it's a mystery."

The second reason I didn't feel proud was, this was only happening because I am going through my second divorce. Though Alex and I are still close friends, and everything is as amicable, I'm still not exactly proud to be in the position I am in. It's a complicated situation, and despite being certain I made the right choice, there is guilt. Guilt, but also sadness, and fear. Despite being able to rationalize these feelings, they persist- though that's another topic entirely. 

The day the movers came to pack everything into my truck, I got a call from my Mom while I was at work saying that my Grandma was back in the hospital. She had recently been hospitalized for Covid, but went home, and seemed to be recovering. However, the damage sustained from Covid was simply too great, and her body was beginning to shut down. My Mom made it clear that this wasn't a hospital visit my Grandma was going to come home from. It was time for palliative care.

I left work, called Alex, let him know he needed to coordinate the movers solo, and went to spend the day with her in the hospital. I'm relieved that I did, because this would be the last day she was able to talk to me when I visited. I'm not going to delve too deep into this subject because I'll be writing a separate entry that is a eulogy for my Grandma, but one thing is important to mention. I didn't let her talk much, it was too hard for her to breathe, but I did spend a long time talking to her. I told her all about my new place- how it was mine, and I was finally standing on my own two feet, and hoped that somehow she could be proud of me. I didn't know what there was to feel proud of. Really, I just felt defeated and ashamed. 

She smiled, took as deep a breath as she could muster and said, "Yes. So proud." 

My eyes instantly welled up with tears. 

You see, Donna was a lot of incredible things, but I'm not sure anyone would describe her as particularly warm, or complimentary. I can recall only a few times when she told me she was proud of me, and some of them were said (I think) more out of obligation. You graduated high school? I'm proud of you. You performed in a play? I'm proud of you. Moments where it was an expected sentiment, and not saying it would be rude. Perhaps it was true. I'm sure it partially was, but... 

Not like this. 

"So proud." - With this look of pure love and understanding in her eyes like I'd never seen. Like I made it to the end of a long journey she always knew I was on, but I didn't. Proud that I finally had the notion that standing on my own two feet was worthy of pride. 

It was the last thing she said to me out loud.

Shortly after she passed, I took my first ever solo vacation to Florida. It was a trip I had planned before I knew she was in the hospital, but needed even more after the fact. I spent a lot of time on the water, reflecting on my life and all that has happened recently. I tried to imagine what she'd hope to see from me going forward. I tried to picture a life without her in it. I don't know how to- not yet. What I do know is that she instilled strength in me, and whatever that life looks like, I can handle it. 

I can- and I'm proud. 

As always, I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things. 



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