The Twentieth One.

Evening,

Subheading: I'm Paying Attention. 

Today at work I met a person who was shot five times, run over purposefully by a car, lost their sight, and lived to tell the tale. I learned this as I was checking them in and asking them to verify if this visit was being billed to an auto insurance, or just their normal policy. They looked confused for a second when I asked, and I said, "If this was due to an auto accident, they may be paying..." etc etc. They laughed and told me that what happened to them was definitely not an accident.

After getting them checked in, I asked if they wanted help finding a seat in the lobby. They said, "Thank you for not asking if I needed help, but if I wanted it. That's really thoughtful. Also yes, I both want and need help." We laughed. I walked them to the end of the lobby and not very gracefully helped them find a seat. We chatted for a few minutes, mostly laughing, and I was struck by how much joy they still managed to find in life- like the check in lady sucking at navigating, and how their Uber driver stopped to get them coffee on the way here, and later they were going to listen to a new audio book. I told them, "I'm so glad you're still in the world."

They fumbled for a minute trying to find my hand, gave it a squeeze, and smiled. They knew I meant it.

It was one of the most genuinely beautiful moments I've had in a long time. I wanted to suspend time so I could savor what it meant that a human being could withstand so many things and still laugh with their entire body. I wanted to weep, and smile, and hug, and share this feeling with everyone. I texted a few people about it, though only briefly because I was busy checking in far less inspiring humans.

Not many moments later, the person I've been dating for the last couple months (Hey, by the way, I was dating someone.) responded by telling me that they only want to be friends. (Not because I told this story, that would be weird, 🤣 but like, "Wow, that's crazy, and on an unrelated note...")

I can't really explain how jarring that was, though maybe you can sort of understand just by having this story derail so unexpectedly. I didn't see it coming in the middle of my Wednesday workday, and the juxtaposition of those emotions felt pretty unbearable for a moment.

Ironically, and in a "Good one, universe" sort of way, the parting of ways is due to a juxtaposition of the emotions between us. I feel more for him at this moment than he feels for me, and he's trying to do what he believes is fair, and right. He's a good man.

I am a person that feels everything deeply. I laugh louder, cry harder, and emote more honestly than most people I know. Some people are drawn to that, some are repelled, and some even fear it. Regardless of how you feel about it though, that's who I am everywhere that I go. I don't love anyone or anything in my life half-heartedly. I ask, "What is real? What is true? What feels warm?" and move towards that.

What someone is capable of giving back to me doesn't seem to play much of a role, either. No two people are the same, or capable of showing up the same way. I'd kind of describe it like... when you're playing a video game and you're riding your mount through different zones, the rest of the world has to load so you can continue forward. Sometimes it lags though, and you and your mount are just awkwardly running, but the screen is white, or you're not going anywhere. Some people might wait for more of the zone to load before going forward, but I don't mind waiting for the zone to catch up with me. I'm going that way regardless, and I know the route well enough not to fall off a cliff.

(That was really damn nerdy, and I'm not sorry.)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...

"I understand now that I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, “For the same reason I laugh so often — because I’m paying attention.”"
-Glennon Doyle

I focus in on moments with strangers and try to absorb their ability to find beauty where others would only see tragedy. I feel the too familiar pain of unequal feelings, and my heart cracks a little, but it only makes me cry tears of gratitude that I was able to feel that again at all. A less attuned person may think they're avoiding emotional motion sickness, and maybe they are. Maybe everything feels easier when there is less contrast, the lense we see life through is a little fuzzy, or the background noise diffuses it all.

Me, though? I'm going to keep paying attention.

I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.