The Fourth One.

Good Morning,

If I had a second title for this that went against the grain of my numbering system, this entry would be called, "Love Isn't Pie."

This is pie.

I'm not much of a believer in monogamy being taught as the default option for relationships. However, I have lived in relationships set up as monogamous my entire adult life (until now), so I am sure that elicits some head scratching. After beginning to deal with my anxiety and attempting to take my mental health as seriously as my physical health, I began probing around in my mind a lot more and reflecting on my feelings for people and about love as a concept in general. I'd like to begin this discussion with saying- this is in fact a discussion, not a sermon, not a how-to guide, not anything like that. I do not pretend to have all the answers, or that the answers I do have are answers for anyone but myself. My views are constantly evolving, and that's the way I prefer it. When we become stagnant in what we think we know, what we've been taught, we can lose out on so much precious emotional growth.

I think only talking about monogamy can set up unhealthy expectations in love, and life. This is not to say I don't believe in the validity of all my friends and family in monogamous relationships; I do, completely. I see examples of healthy, loving, stable monogamy daily, so please do not take anything in this entry as an attack on the institution of marriage. If you're searching for one perfect person (perfect for you, not perfect in general, every human being is flawed) and you're having trouble finding them, it may be because one perfect person does not exist for you. I'd like to normalize that part of the conversation about love, and encourage people to question what their needs actually are, not what we've been taught our needs are, or what our friends or loved ones suggest they are. This is easier said than done, of course. We are social creatures, and a huge part of sharing your life with someone is bringing them into your circle. If your circle can't or won't accept the lifestyle you lead, it can feel easier to think, well, I'll just stick with what I know, I don't want to make waves.

Make the damn waves.

Life is far too difficult and short to be worried about the expectations others have for you and your path. The only one going to bed at night with the weight of your unfulfilled heart is you.

A lot of people look at love like pie. There is a finite amount of pie, and if we hand away a certain amount of slices, eventually there will be no more pie. The pie is reserved for our partner, and the slices consist of family, friends, hobbies, sex, emotional/verbal conversations, etc. Once you hand a slice of pie over, that slice is gone, no one else gets it, but ask yourself this question- why don't we view platonic love like this? Why is platonic love infinite, but the same is not true of romance? Intimacy? This is something that has never made very much sense to me, and I know while plenty would disagree and are fully content with their love pie, there are those that would lean more my direction.

Love, for me, isn't something to be rationed. It isn't a situation where someone has five slices so someone else only has three. Anyone that I become emotionally involved with will get all 8 slices of the pie. I am the Jesus of love pie, it just keeps coming out of the basket, guys. I am the Oprah of love pie- YOU get a pie, yoooouuuuu get a pie! Ok, enough with that, what was I saying?

This is love.

If I am involved with you, I'm in completely. I want to know your fears and insecurities, your dreams and passions, what motivates you, what your family traditions at Christmas are, how you take your coffee, all of it. I'll share all of that about myself with my partners as well. This will sometimes lead to rejection, or being misunderstood, and still I will open myself time and time again because it is genuinely the only way I know how to exist in a loving space- outward, fiercely. As human beings, we all bring something different to the table, something to teach, and I adore learning from people and drawing on their emotional strengths, offering my own. In my experience, attempting to possess someone, or being possessed, leads to stifling the spirit that you admired in the first place. If you admire my strength, my character, how genuinely I love, how could changing the entire course of my being lead to a gratifying experience for you? Likewise, if there is something I couldn't provide you, wouldn't you feel empowered and elated to know I'd encourage you to seek out what you need without fear that I'll ask for my love pie back?

Again, this is not the right way for a lot of people, but I'm standing here and talking about my experiences because it's a valid path to follow. I hope that anyone walking away from reading this today will at least open their mind to the possibility that what you've always known may not be all there is to know. Encourage your friends and family in their pursuit of love, even if it differs from yours, make them feel safe and seen. Come from a place of curiosity and compassion, not judgement or superiority. Seek to understand, not redirect, because you never know how much weight your words carry, and what you could rob them of by planting the seed of doubt.

I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.