Doing All The Things: Mediocre Ramblings About Stuff

Afternoon, Subheading: My SFD (Shitty First Draft).  One of my favorite humans is an author named Brene Brown. She has a book that I have been making my way through recently, and it's called Rising Strong. It's a book about what it means to rise up after a failure, loss, etc. and how to do it with integrity. I could quote a lot of things from this book, but this passage currently sticks out:  "When it comes to our SFDs, it's important that we don't filter the experience, polish our words, or worry about how our story makes us look (which is why writing is often safer than having a conversation). We can't get to our brave new ending if we start from an inauthentic place. So give yourself permission to wade through the sometimes-murky waters of whateveryou'rethinkingandfeeling. You can be mad, self-righteous, blaming, confused. Just don't edit and don't try to "get it right."" When I first started reading this book it was a few months a...

Evening,  Subheading: Welp. Unfortunately, I was incorrect in my last entry when I said I was through the worst of the storm. This entry starts off bleak, but hang in there.  "Strangely enough, it all turns out well. How does it? I don't know. It's a mystery." -Shakespeare in Love During much of the week I felt moments away from some unknown disaster. On Monday afternoon I went into my appointment with my PA to discuss new medication, as I promised I would. As soon as she walked in the room though, I had a complete breakdown. I sobbed to her for probably close to a half an hour about various things. When I finished explaining where I was, she told me this was probably something beyond what she could help me with, and asked me how I felt about going to the psychiatric ER. I told her that I didn't want to go if all they could do is sedate me for awhile, give me Xanax, and send me home. That I didn't trust myself anymore, my thoughts were racing, and I was fright...

Evening, Subheading: Brains are the worst. This entry is likely to be messy, and I'm sorry for that. It also needs a trigger warning for talk about depression and suicidal ideation. As you read this, you're going to wonder why I would ever share something like this. I'm sharing mostly because I want to start better tracking the warning signs that I'm getting to an unmanagable place, so it's easier to recognize. Also, because of this quote about depression: "A human being can survive almost anything as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end." -Elizabeth Wurtzel I need to know, and everyone else needs to know, there is an end to every major episode. I've discussed previously that in January of this year, I experienced a mental breakdown. I was on a mental health leave from my job for four months, and in that time period I experimented with new anxiety medicat...