The Twenty-First One.

Evening,

Subheading: Sensory struggles and why they matter. 

Before I begin, a resource about hypersensitivity and ADHD:

https://www.addept.org/living-with-adult-add-adhd/how-to-understand-hypersensitivity-in-adhd

Continuing with my tradition of talking openly about my struggles, I am currently waiting on neurological testing for ADHD. I will either have this done via avenues that open through talk therapy (once it's my turn on the waiting list) or through the neuro department at U of M, whichever is faster. That's a bigger conversation though, and I want to focus in on one part of it today. 

I have struggled immensely with auditory things, and it is only getting worse. Noise can be very overwhelming, and if there's too little noise it's also overwhelming. It's just all overwhelming.

Since I started at my new job I have quietly listened to music at my desk, because a coworker told me I could. It acts as a really nice diffuser for everything else going on and keeps me calm. It helps me focus. I have listened to music every day for 7 months, with my boss's knowledge. 

A couple weeks ago I was told by my boss that HR said I could not do it anymore. I asked if someone complained, and she said no. (What happened was she went to HR to "double check" if it was ok. After 7 months...) 

I set a meeting with HR to discuss this, and asked why this was a problem now after so long. He said he just didn't know I was doing it until my boss brought it to his attention. I told him very honestly why I was asking for this accommodation, and he said he would take it to higher HR, see what they said because he "really wanted to work with me here", and mentioned maybe I'd need a doctor's note. A literal prescription for music.

Not only do I need a note, HR came back and said that because I was asking for an accommodation I would need to submit a formal request through HR solutions with medical documentation supporting this. So, just now, I submitted a claim through HR solutions and attached the note from my doctor.

Through this whole process I have been so angry, and I just figured out why: It's because I feel stupid.

I feel so completely ridiculous that I had to ask my doctor to write me a note for this.

I felt so stupid that I cried during the appointment as I was telling her how much I hate my job, how stressful it is, and how targeted I felt after several other examples of my OCD and neurodiverse behaviors were openly mocked. Examples like: I started color sorting the folders for paperwork because seeing them mixed up and messy triggers my OCD and makes me want to crawl out of my skin. It does not take me long, a few minutes. In the middle of sorting them one time, my boss shoved the pile of sorted folders off the counter and onto the floor when I was 90% complete (witnessed by other employees). She said this was a waste of time and literally forbade me to do it. This embarrassed me so badly that I cried at work, which resulted in her letting me do it going forward, and giving me an awkward hug that made me want to die.

There's more, but I'm trying to stay focused on my main point here: I have a medical condition, and I should not be made to feel stupid for having it, or for doing whatever I need to do to continue being a productive and highly functioning person at work. Nothing I am asking for requires for you to do literally anything for me at all, just respect me, and leave me alone.

I made a reasonable request through HR for this music, which no one complained about a single time, and only became a problem when it was made into a problem. Instead of treating me like a human being and not escalating it further, they made me go through all of this. They made me do this because my ailment is invisible, and so it is not taken seriously. Even when I sit down and in a moment of intense vulnerability choose to disclose that I am struggling to strangers, it's like, "meh".

I suppose I am sharing this because I want to bring awareness that when it comes to neurodiversity issues, there is still a long way to go in terms of having your concerns heard, further to having them believed, and further still to having anyone give a shit.

If you're in a position to offer someone compassion and understanding, do it. Do it without making them dance for it. Choose empathy every time.

I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.