Doing All The Things: Mediocre Ramblings About Stuff

  Evening, Subheading: I just took a DNA test, turns out... As children, most of us look to our parents or caretakers for guidance. We study the way they move, think, interact, and survive. We begin life instinctually mimicking those behaviors. As we grow, we believe that by doing so, we will learn how to venture into the world successfully. It’s also a form of bonding with our parents, the nurture side of nature vs nurture. Our voice sometimes takes on their inflection, we pick up their mannerisms, and we learn how to communicate. Of course, some of this is nature. One argument is that nature endows us with inborn abilities and traits, while nurture takes these traits and cultivates them as we learn and mature. For example, you may be born with musical inclinations, but you won’t become a skilled musician without practice. Perhaps it will take less effort and practice for you than others, though. It will feel easier, like having a cheat code. It seems like it would be easier to de...

  Evening, Subheading: Oh no, not I. I will survive. (Probably.)   It can be an insufferable feeling when you realize that you will in fact survive most hardships. It's like time is an annoying know-it-all, and it knows ev-uh-ry-thing about everyone.  What do you mean, this breakup didn't actually kill me? What do you mean, I have to keep living after someone I love has died?  We want to scream crazy things like, "I'll never be happy again!" and then hold onto all of it like some sort of bizarre oath we've sworn. The pain we are in contorts reality until we believe that if we don't go to the grave miserable like we promised, we must be liars. We ask ourselves how much we could have really loved them if we are able to move on?  Our level of pain is used to try to quantify loyalty, but to who? The people that love(d) us? As if they'd see this diagram, be happy to know we've frozen ourselves in a moment long past and say, "Yeah, wow , you reall...

Evening, Subheading: Sensory struggles and why they matter.  Before I begin, a resource about hypersensitivity and ADHD: https://www.addept.org/living-with-adult-add-adhd/how-to-understand-hypersensitivity-in-adhd Continuing with my tradition of talking openly about my struggles, I am currently waiting on neurological testing for ADHD. I will either have this done via avenues that open through talk therapy (once it's my turn on the waiting list) or through the neuro department at U of M, whichever is faster. That's a bigger conversation though, and I want to focus in on one part of it today.  I have struggled immensely with auditory things, and it is only getting worse. Noise can be very overwhelming, and if there's too little noise it's also overwhelming. It's just all overwhelming. Since I started at my new job I have quietly listened to music at my desk, because a coworker told me I could. It acts as a really nice diffuser for everything else going on and keeps m...

Evening, Subheading: I'm Paying Attention.  Today at work I met a person who was shot five times, run over purposefully by a car, lost their sight, and lived to tell the tale. I learned this as I was checking them in and asking them to verify if this visit was being billed to an auto insurance, or just their normal policy. They looked confused for a second when I asked, and I said, "If this was due to an auto accident, they may be paying..." etc etc. They laughed and told me that what happened to them was definitely not an accident. After getting them checked in, I asked if they wanted help finding a seat in the lobby. They said, "Thank you for not asking if I needed help, but if I wanted it. That's really thoughtful. Also yes, I both want and need help." We laughed. I walked them to the end of the lobby and not very gracefully helped them find a seat. We chatted for a few minutes, mostly laughing, and I was struck by how much joy they still managed to find ...