The Twelfth One.

Afternoon,

Subheading: It's a Process- a LONG Process. (Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault.)

A friend of mine shared this meme on Facebook, and it sparked quite a response in my brain. I started to comment on it but realized quickly that I had more to say than what was appropriate for a response to a status. A part of me wanted to stand up and cheer, a part of me cringed, and a part of me just quietly nodded.

When we have conversations about assault and rape, we want the story to be simple so we can unequivocally condemn the abuser. It's not only easier for the person sharing their experience, but also for the person hearing it. When we know someone we care about is hurting, we want to be able to comfort them, to say something. It becomes difficult for people to say the right thing when they don't understand the facts of the story, or come to a different conclusion when presented with those facts. In these moments, it's important to keep a few things in mind.

It may be common sense to many people that most conversations about rape and assault are not simple/clear cut whatsoever, but that is not the case for everyone- not even assault victims.

First of all, let's start with the fact that a lot of people don't understand what qualifies as assault under the law. Some common examples of sexual assault are as follows:

• Fondling, kissing, or making unwanted bodily contact.
• Forcing another person to perform or receive oral sex.
• Forcing a tongue, mouth, finger, penis, or object on/in another person's anus, penis, or vagina.
• Forced masturbation.

In general, sexual assault is involuntary sexual contact that occurs through the actor's use of force, coercion, or the victim's incapacitation. Violent assault and being incapacitated are easy to understand and agree about. Coercion, however- this can get really confusing, and is subject to a lot of scrutiny. Some examples of sexual coercion:

• Being worn down by someone who repeatedly asks for sex.
• Being lied to or being promised things that weren't true to trick you into having sex. 
• Having someone threaten to end a relationship or spread rumors about you if you don't have sex with them.
• Having an authority figure, like a boss, property manager, loan officer, or professor, use their influence or authority to pressure you into having sex. 

Laws vary from state to state in terms of what degree coercion falls under, but sexual coercion is against the law, and it is assault. It can be just as traumatic as any other sort of rape in terms of the long term effects it can have on your life, and should be taken just as seriously. However, if people are starting from a place of not understanding what even constitutes rape, they can't really be expected to understand why all those complicated shade-of-grey situations would be so hard to talk about or even recognize initially. Instead of just dismissing you and telling you I don't want to be friends, I want you to learn and grow. 

There are many forms of sexual assault that fall into that type of grey area when talking about understanding and acceptance. I speak from personal experience with this. I have spoken about my assault in the past, but for those of you unfamiliar with my story, I will share it briefly now.

I was 18 years old, and it was the first time that I ever drank alcohol. I chose to do this with a couple of close friends, because that seemed to be the smartest choice- with people who knew about alcohol, and who I thought would keep me safe. Like so many others, I still ended up drinking more than I should have, and I ended up throwing up. Two of my friends followed me into the bathroom to "help" me, and ended up groping me as I threw up instead. They stuck their hands under my shirt and into the back of my pants. I asked them to stop, I said I didn't feel well, but they did not stop. When I finished vomiting, I just wanted to lay down and sleep. Everything was spinning, and I felt completely out of control. Again, my friends "helped" me to bed. They pulled my shirt and bra off and fondled my body. Again, I said no. I tried only saying "No." I tried saying it like, "No, I'm so gross, I just threw up." I tried pushing their hands and faces away, but everything felt really far away. One of them eventually pulled his pants down and shoved himself in my mouth while the other stuck his hand down my pants. 

It all happened so fast, yet time simultaneously felt suspended. I remember thinking, "This is just what happens when you drink, you do things you wouldn't do otherwise. They are my friends, they wouldn't hurt me. If I yell for help, what will happen to them? They'll be in trouble." etc, etc, etc.

I tried to move my head away, to spit him out of my mouth, but he grabbed my head and held it there. I tried pushing away the hands of the other person, but he just kept holding my arms and telling me he knew that I wanted him to do this, that he didn't care I was on my period- he would just pull my tampon out, "No big deal." I thought to myself, if I just lay here and do nothing, they'll get bored and stop. It will all be over soon. Luckily for me, I was right. The first man removed himself from my mouth, and I will never forget the second one saying, "You're done already?"

You're done already- like I was some sort of video game or ride at a fair.

The first sort of shrugged and said something like, "Yeah, I'm not going to cum, and she's just laying there, so."

The second said something in agreement and gave up trying to tug at my tampon. I don't really remember much of what happened after that.

I didn't realize that what happened to me was rape until mid 2016 when I was 29 years old- 11 years after my assault. Eleven years.

I didn't realize it when I told my best friend what happened and he told me flat out that what I was describing was rape. My response was to not tell anyone else until 2016.

I didn't realize it when I began drinking heavily after the incident, even though I hated the idea of drinking before that. I was VP of SADD in High School, I did mentoring for D.A.R.E kids.

I didn't realize it when I started engaging in regular promiscuous behavior. I told myself, hey, isn't this fun? Look at all the fun we're having.

I buried it, and continued on like everything was normal, even though everything in my body was trying to tell me that it wasn't normal, and I wasn't ok.

I only realized what happened to me when the #MeToo movement started, and I couldn't drown out the overwhelming amount of stories from fellow women (and men) and those stories sounded eerily like mine. I then confessed to a couple of friends what my experience was, mostly out of confusion, because that was just a drunken encounter, just playing around, "No big deal". Why were people calling that rape? Those friends gently suggested they were calling it what it was.

I'm sharing this because...if I didn't understand what happened to me, like so many others don't understand what happened to them, I want people to realize that is normal. Please don't shame anyone for when or how they choose to tell their story. Even if they did know they were raped and chose to speak out years later, there's likely a reason for that. Many know their abusers- it's their family, friend, spouse, etc, and it's easier to bury their trauma than seek justice against someone they care about. Many fear retribution. Many fear their friends won't believe them, or won't take their side. It isn't your place to decide when or how a person comes forward. Be grateful that you're a good enough friend to be hearing their story in the first place, tell them you are there for them, and simply listen.

And for fucks sake, please don't ever tell a person "That doesn't sound like rape." or anything that even resembles it. It took more courage than you can possibly imagine to admit what happened. Don't erase their progress.

As always, I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.