The Ninth One.

Morning, 

Today's Heading: On Breakups When Polyamorous.

Very fortunate to have partners like this.

My husband Alex and I opened our marriage in March, and over the course of these nine months, I've already experienced multiple separations from partners ranging from "Meh." to "Excuse me while I sob in the car." I'm currently working through one now, and it got me thinking about how different this experience is, and how ill equipped I feel to handle it. There is no road map for how to handle breakups in general, but when you add in the complexities of multiple partners, this has been a whole new realm of, "I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to do right now." As per usual, when I am trying to understand how I feel, I turn to writing. I hope to come at this from a few angles, simply because there is more at play (at least, for me) than when going through a breakup when I was monogamous. More than anything, I'm hoping to use this as a compare/contrast and gauge my progress later. I also hope that anyone reading this will perhaps gain a deeper understanding of the things rolling around in the mind of their poly friends, and how to better approach them.

Misconceptions:

Something I'm noticing through my own experiences and through reading stories from people in my poly groups is that, for some monogamous people, our breakups seem trivial if we have more than one partner. Losing someone must not be that painful, because there are others there to ease the ache. This is extremely problematic. People are not rocks in a collection, and when they leave our life, it matters. Every romantic relationship is complex, unique, important. Treating people (whether they're your friend or your partner) as if their partners are interchangeable and/or expendable is offensive, not just to whomever you're engaging with, but to all their partners as well. The remaining partners are not stand ins, they are their own unique piece of the puzzle. They bring different things to the table, and aren't there to pick up the slack. It's also worth mentioning that they are going to need to process this breakup as well, even if they were not involved with the other person, as it will temporarily change the dynamic while healing is happening.

A couple days ago, I spoke at length about how I was feeling about the breakup and why with one of my partners. Our relationship is relatively new, and I didn't know how hearing details about the situation would make him feel. Toward the end of my explanation, I said, "I appreciate you listening and offering your support. I know this has an effect on you as well- not that you're sad yourself, but-" and he said, "Well, I'm not NOT sad." He explained that seeing me go through this was hard for him, the way it would be hard to see any friend hurting. As a partner he wants to be around, give comfort, hold me. He lives in another city, and this isn't often on the table. It actually started dialogue with us that we had needed to have in regards to our relationship, and it was so refreshing and warm. I think we both left that conversation feeling very reassured about how the other felt.

Someone asked me if my other partners would be relieved if one of my relationships ended, because they'd get to scoop up the extra time. I can honestly say that not one of the people I am seeing feel that way. None of them would ever delight in my misfortune, nor would they make assumptions that they'd then be entitled to that time. None of them feel entitled to my time, period. They understand I share my my time with them because I want to build something with them, not because I need to meet a quota. I've been met with nothing but kindness, compassion, and love.

I feel so very fortunate to have them to confide in.

Talking to Friends:

In the past, my initial reaction to experiencing a breakup would be to talk to my friends about it. I imagine a majority of people feel the same, partially because a majority of people are in monogamous relationships and can relate to one another. While I am lucky to have friends that support my lifestyle, being able to understand or relate is another matter. As human beings, we are more likely to experience empathy and relay that if we have experienced it personally, or could imagine experiencing it. I only have a couple friends that identify as polyamorous, and only a few more than that that are genuinely interested in hearing me talk about my problems regardless of how they identify.

Opinions on open relationships and polyamory vary widely in my friend group. Some people are vaguely curious, some want to know everything, and some want to know nothing at all. It is perhaps the trickiest part of this new lifestyle for me, learning how to integrate it into relationships with friends that I've known for a decade or more. I have needed to understand that they don't know this new person I'm becoming, and while I have always known I had this emotional capacity, they haven't. They also have their own hardships, opinions, and perspectives. While sometimes they may want to be supportive, they just don't know how, or don't understand the depth of what I am feeling, or how confusing it is for me. It doesn't mean they don't love me, it simply means I sometimes need to seek support elsewhere.

Aside from the obvious sadness I feel over losing someone important to me, I feel guilty. It feels a little selfish, wrong, to show sadness to any who are single. Only my sadness isn't selfish, or wrong- my situation is merely different than theirs and I am equally entitled to my feelings. That doesn't mean that this conversation is one appropriate to have with them, however, and it's a fine line to walk- wanting to respect the feelings of friends, and also confide in them.

Everything in life is a learning process and takes practice. This is no different. 

In Conclusion:

I suppose you're perhaps interested in hearing some direct advice on how to approach your polyamorous friends when they're going through a breakup, if you are in fact going to engage them in conversation about it. All I can say is- like you always have. Ask how they're doing, and what they're feeling. Ask if they are seeking advice, a receptive ear, or both. It may be uncharted territory, but everything was for you at one point. Be willing to hear them out without expressing judgement or resentment. I assure you, that's probably all they need. That and ice cream, obviously.

I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.

And now, a funny breakup meme.