The Eighth One.
Good Afternoon,
Trigger Warning: Rape/Sexual Assault/Consent Conversations.
Today I listened to an extremely interesting podcast called In The No. It is a three part commentary on consent, what it means, and how complicated it can be for people to navigate it. Parts One and Three were particularly interesting to me. Number One deals with the grey areas in sexual assault, Number Three talks a lot about consent in the BDSM community.
People get confused about this, and it matters, so I want to be clear about the difference between rape and sexual assault, as it would be defined by the law.
Rape: Forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.
Sexual Assault: Unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling.
Consent: Informed, freely and actively given, mutually understandable words or actions which indicate a willingness to participate in mutually agreed upon sexual activity. Consent may never be given by minors, mentally disabled persons, and those who are incapacitated as a result of drugs or alcohol, or those who are unconscious, unaware, or otherwise physically helpless. Consent can not be given in situations involving coercion, threats, intimidation, or physical force.
Part one is 55 minutes long. Here is the link if you're interested in giving it a listen:
https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/radiolab/articles/no-part-1?fbclid=IwAR24jnwF-lsE1xRU-GcsI_zsvnuGqhRLo07pMEZFRw8BsHPeT7nh5v0xNRU
For those of you interested in a summation and my thoughts, you are in luck- I can unpack the important parts without you needing to listen to the whole thing.
Much of Number One deals with a woman named Kaitlin and her then friend (of eight years) Jay, and another situation I won't get into about another man named Raoul. The short version of events with Jay are- one night they drink too much, they are kissing, and Kaitlin makes it clear she doesn't want to have sex by saying so directly. She shuts him down a couple times, so he gets frustrated and says he is just going to go to bed. Out of guilt she asks him to come back, they resume making out, and he tries to take it too far again. She suggests that he could go masturbate in the bathroom, then they could resume just making out. He ends up pressuring her into mutual masturbation in front of one another.
Here are some quotes surrounding this that I found particularly moving, or I related to. They are not necessarily said one right after the other, but they are in order.
Kaitlin: "It's true. He didn't force me to do anything, but I nonetheless felt like I had no choice. Why? Is that on me? Or is that on him?"
Friend of Kaitlin: "That's how we survive. Yeah. I think women survive by, yeah, being aware and reading social cues. And we know when someone's gonna be angry, we know when someone might lash out. We know when someone's afraid, we know when somebody's sad. We know when somebody's happy, and --and we know when-- when we're safe, and we know when we're not safe. And sometimes, you know, there's the element of using sex as a social currency to stay safe, and using sex as a social currency to belong in the group, even if the group is just you and one other person."
Kaitlin: "I start to wonder if this is how anyone who's historically been on the shitty side of a power dynamic learns how to move through the world. How important it can be to be liked by someone who has your fate in their hands."
Kaitlin: "...Saying no in this sweet, seductive tone, and trying so hard to be nice and not hurt anybody's feelings that my "no" basically sounds like "fuck me". But on the other hand, I wonder how many people sound just like this when they're getting hot and heavy with someone, and they're trying to draw a line, express what they want in a way that doesn't break the flirtatious vibe, that doesn't negate the possibility of doing other things. I wonder how many people sound just like this when they're scared. I think this is why the definition of consent has evolved to mean more than "no means no" or even, "yes means yes." Consent is about knowing that someone is excited about what is going on. It's about knowing that both people are on the same page. And it's knowing that knowing that is really complicated. Not just because communication is hard and sex-ed is awful, but also because there are invisible social and historical contexts at play in these intimate moments; contexts that impact how entitled we feel to our own comfort, how likely we are to put someone else's needs first. These contexts could be historical like race or class or gender, or they could be super-situational, like when one person is a little bit in love with you and you aren't in love with them and you can totally sense that they'll do whatever you want. When things are uneven in this way, it's important to take extra care to create an emotional environment that allows for a no. I didn't feel like I had that space in either of these encounters. But on the other hand, I should have been stronger in advocating for myself."
"On the surface, we had what Jay would later call a drunken night of masturbation failure. No big deal. The problem is that we don't have a vocabulary around emotion that would let me describe with any sense of legitimacy the totally invisible things that happened between us that night."
Let's all take a breath together before we talk about this.
Sorting through my own experience with assault has been terrifying, complicated, and infuriating. Anyone who has gone on that journey of recovery can tell you, it's unpredictable how you'll feel about it at any given point. As I listened to this podcast I got that all too familiar ball of anger in my throat- that tell tale lump of shame, sadness, and resentment that you try to swallow and ignore until it won't be ignored any longer.
I say this often- rape and assault are so much more than the poster you see of a woman being dragged into an alley. For Kaitlin, it was the friend of eight years that she felt safe with coaxing her into another drink, pushing and guilting her until she relented.
This line made me weep: "But on the other hand, I should have been stronger in advocating for myself."
On the other end of that encounter is a person with no concern for her comfort. Either he wasn't taught to actively seek her consent, or he was willing to ignore the lack of consent in order to take what he knows she'll give if only he pushes her hard enough. He exploited her emotion, and at the end of the day, this is assault. The response is to concentrate our efforts on methods of keeping safe rather than having complicated conversations with people we love about their abusive behavior.
I know- you don't want to call it that. You're shifting uncomfortably in your seat because, perhaps, you've crossed that line yourself and you aren't ready to admit that, you know someone who has and you can't admit out loud what they've done, or it's happened to you and you're buried deep in the same denial I was for many years.
He took a very real piece of her in that moment, and she won't ever get it back. She'll adapt, grow, continue on in life, experience joy and elation, but that won't change what he has taken. I know this all too well, because I've given up that same piece. I gave it when one of my rapists cornered me at a gathering, drunk, and said he was sorry if I thought that is what happened. I gave it when I wrote him at length afterward telling him all the ways in which this has damaged me over the years and was met with complete silence. I continue to give it every time I leave both their names out of the conversation so they're protected from judgement and consequence. I give it when I see them and smile instead of scream.
So, to Jay, and all the other Jays out there, it is a big deal. The moment you likely forgot about has probably shaped our entire lives, but-
That doesn't have to be the end of your story.
You have room to learn, grow, advocate for change and vocally speak out against anything in society that leaves room for this behavior. Teach your children, friends, and family to be better, and yes, with great sorrow I say, to advocate for themselves. Teach them they're allowed to say no, even if it will hurt someone's feelings. Teach them that a moment of awkward refusal is better than a lifetime of raw regret. Men, women, young, old- these are lessons we all need.
Only when we stop trying to spare people's feelings and start caring about our own safety are we really saying no with the conviction required. That is our responsibility, stating our boundaries clearly, firmly, repeatedly to avoid confusion. It is the other person's job to hear us, believe us, respect what we're saying, and back off.
I encourage you to share this, or speak openly about this topic with anyone at all. Only in normalizing this conversation in every day life will we begin having it on a scale grand enough to invoke change.
As always, I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.
Trigger Warning: Rape/Sexual Assault/Consent Conversations.
Today I listened to an extremely interesting podcast called In The No. It is a three part commentary on consent, what it means, and how complicated it can be for people to navigate it. Parts One and Three were particularly interesting to me. Number One deals with the grey areas in sexual assault, Number Three talks a lot about consent in the BDSM community.
People get confused about this, and it matters, so I want to be clear about the difference between rape and sexual assault, as it would be defined by the law.
Rape: Forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.
Sexual Assault: Unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling.
Consent: Informed, freely and actively given, mutually understandable words or actions which indicate a willingness to participate in mutually agreed upon sexual activity. Consent may never be given by minors, mentally disabled persons, and those who are incapacitated as a result of drugs or alcohol, or those who are unconscious, unaware, or otherwise physically helpless. Consent can not be given in situations involving coercion, threats, intimidation, or physical force.
Part one is 55 minutes long. Here is the link if you're interested in giving it a listen:
https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/radiolab/articles/no-part-1?fbclid=IwAR24jnwF-lsE1xRU-GcsI_zsvnuGqhRLo07pMEZFRw8BsHPeT7nh5v0xNRU
For those of you interested in a summation and my thoughts, you are in luck- I can unpack the important parts without you needing to listen to the whole thing.
Much of Number One deals with a woman named Kaitlin and her then friend (of eight years) Jay, and another situation I won't get into about another man named Raoul. The short version of events with Jay are- one night they drink too much, they are kissing, and Kaitlin makes it clear she doesn't want to have sex by saying so directly. She shuts him down a couple times, so he gets frustrated and says he is just going to go to bed. Out of guilt she asks him to come back, they resume making out, and he tries to take it too far again. She suggests that he could go masturbate in the bathroom, then they could resume just making out. He ends up pressuring her into mutual masturbation in front of one another.
Here are some quotes surrounding this that I found particularly moving, or I related to. They are not necessarily said one right after the other, but they are in order.
Kaitlin: "It's true. He didn't force me to do anything, but I nonetheless felt like I had no choice. Why? Is that on me? Or is that on him?"
Friend of Kaitlin: "That's how we survive. Yeah. I think women survive by, yeah, being aware and reading social cues. And we know when someone's gonna be angry, we know when someone might lash out. We know when someone's afraid, we know when somebody's sad. We know when somebody's happy, and --and we know when-- when we're safe, and we know when we're not safe. And sometimes, you know, there's the element of using sex as a social currency to stay safe, and using sex as a social currency to belong in the group, even if the group is just you and one other person."
Kaitlin: "I start to wonder if this is how anyone who's historically been on the shitty side of a power dynamic learns how to move through the world. How important it can be to be liked by someone who has your fate in their hands."
Kaitlin: "...Saying no in this sweet, seductive tone, and trying so hard to be nice and not hurt anybody's feelings that my "no" basically sounds like "fuck me". But on the other hand, I wonder how many people sound just like this when they're getting hot and heavy with someone, and they're trying to draw a line, express what they want in a way that doesn't break the flirtatious vibe, that doesn't negate the possibility of doing other things. I wonder how many people sound just like this when they're scared. I think this is why the definition of consent has evolved to mean more than "no means no" or even, "yes means yes." Consent is about knowing that someone is excited about what is going on. It's about knowing that both people are on the same page. And it's knowing that knowing that is really complicated. Not just because communication is hard and sex-ed is awful, but also because there are invisible social and historical contexts at play in these intimate moments; contexts that impact how entitled we feel to our own comfort, how likely we are to put someone else's needs first. These contexts could be historical like race or class or gender, or they could be super-situational, like when one person is a little bit in love with you and you aren't in love with them and you can totally sense that they'll do whatever you want. When things are uneven in this way, it's important to take extra care to create an emotional environment that allows for a no. I didn't feel like I had that space in either of these encounters. But on the other hand, I should have been stronger in advocating for myself."
"On the surface, we had what Jay would later call a drunken night of masturbation failure. No big deal. The problem is that we don't have a vocabulary around emotion that would let me describe with any sense of legitimacy the totally invisible things that happened between us that night."
Let's all take a breath together before we talk about this.
Sorting through my own experience with assault has been terrifying, complicated, and infuriating. Anyone who has gone on that journey of recovery can tell you, it's unpredictable how you'll feel about it at any given point. As I listened to this podcast I got that all too familiar ball of anger in my throat- that tell tale lump of shame, sadness, and resentment that you try to swallow and ignore until it won't be ignored any longer.
I say this often- rape and assault are so much more than the poster you see of a woman being dragged into an alley. For Kaitlin, it was the friend of eight years that she felt safe with coaxing her into another drink, pushing and guilting her until she relented.
This line made me weep: "But on the other hand, I should have been stronger in advocating for myself."
On the other end of that encounter is a person with no concern for her comfort. Either he wasn't taught to actively seek her consent, or he was willing to ignore the lack of consent in order to take what he knows she'll give if only he pushes her hard enough. He exploited her emotion, and at the end of the day, this is assault. The response is to concentrate our efforts on methods of keeping safe rather than having complicated conversations with people we love about their abusive behavior.
I know- you don't want to call it that. You're shifting uncomfortably in your seat because, perhaps, you've crossed that line yourself and you aren't ready to admit that, you know someone who has and you can't admit out loud what they've done, or it's happened to you and you're buried deep in the same denial I was for many years.
He took a very real piece of her in that moment, and she won't ever get it back. She'll adapt, grow, continue on in life, experience joy and elation, but that won't change what he has taken. I know this all too well, because I've given up that same piece. I gave it when one of my rapists cornered me at a gathering, drunk, and said he was sorry if I thought that is what happened. I gave it when I wrote him at length afterward telling him all the ways in which this has damaged me over the years and was met with complete silence. I continue to give it every time I leave both their names out of the conversation so they're protected from judgement and consequence. I give it when I see them and smile instead of scream.
So, to Jay, and all the other Jays out there, it is a big deal. The moment you likely forgot about has probably shaped our entire lives, but-
That doesn't have to be the end of your story.
You have room to learn, grow, advocate for change and vocally speak out against anything in society that leaves room for this behavior. Teach your children, friends, and family to be better, and yes, with great sorrow I say, to advocate for themselves. Teach them they're allowed to say no, even if it will hurt someone's feelings. Teach them that a moment of awkward refusal is better than a lifetime of raw regret. Men, women, young, old- these are lessons we all need.
Only when we stop trying to spare people's feelings and start caring about our own safety are we really saying no with the conviction required. That is our responsibility, stating our boundaries clearly, firmly, repeatedly to avoid confusion. It is the other person's job to hear us, believe us, respect what we're saying, and back off.
I encourage you to share this, or speak openly about this topic with anyone at all. Only in normalizing this conversation in every day life will we begin having it on a scale grand enough to invoke change.
As always, I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.
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