The Sixth One.

Afternoon,

Today's Title: When You're At A Crossroads (and there's no Crossroads Demon to grant your wish.)

Too many ways.

This may come as a surprise to you considering that I have my life completely together and know the answer to all important questions (HAH), but I am currently struggling to come to a decision about something in my personal life. This lead me to think about decision making in general, and what factors we most take into account when weighing pros and cons when we're met with complicated choices. It's never as simple as a list, and I'd like to talk a bit about giving yourself permission to make choices.


Now, I should say, I love a good hand written list. There's something very satisfying to my anxious brain about feeling the paper underneath my hands, having the pen slide fluidly over the page, and getting that smudge of ink on my pinky knuckle because I hold my pen like a weirdo. The problem with lists (of the pros vs cons variety) is, often, people think that whichever side has more items must be the winner. If only life were as simple as that. I'll give you a good example of why that is crap.

Say the decision we're trying to come to is whether or not to move to a new home, or stay in our current home.

Pros of Staying:

House Paid Off (This is a dream list, ok. Suspend reality.)
Close friendships with neighbors.
Wonderful school district.
Recently landscaped and added an in ground pool for the kids.
Lots of room for Piggy the Pug to run in the yard.

Cons of Staying:
House is literally on fire. Unfortunately, so is Piggy. (Ok fine, kidding about Piggy.)

This is obviously a joke, and represents an obvious choice, but you see the problem. Decisions can't be made based on bullet points, that just isn't reality. One negative can outweigh twenty positives. You have to do the emotional work that comes with hard choices, and first decide what you value most in the outcome. Think about how could this affect the larger path of your life, not just this one choice. Only after you've done that can you begin branching into the specifics, and resist the urge to blindly follow the ones headed in the direction your gut pulls you.

"But Crystal, I thought we were supposed to trust our gut? It is clearly written here on page 73 of the "How To Live Your Life" handbook."

Well kids, strap in, because I am about to blow your mind. Sometimes our gut sucks at giving us advice. It's great for digesting food, not so great at digesting information. Our instinctual response to things is based on our history and what we've learned to be true, right?

Burner on stove = hot = do not touch burner.

We collect information about outcomes and formulate probabilities and statistics in our minds, and not just about things like burners. Behavior in people is something we learn to predict based on familiar outcomes as well, and we begin to react reflexively with individuals.

High chance of relationship failing = high chance of being all the sad = don't enter into that relationship cause duh.

If we reacted that way to any relationship that looked complicated, I'd argue that we would miss out on knowing a lot of truly worthwhile people. So, while it is easy to see danger, feel that pang of familiar dread, and run- we shouldn't always run. Now, I'm not saying never run, just don't always. Have the strength to get past your reflexes, sit with yourself, feel the discomfort awhile, and ask questions. What about this frightens me? If that thing came to fruition, what would it mean in the grand scale of my life? Should I focus more on what it means now, or later? How will this decision effect other people I care about? Right now, in this moment in time, should I be more focused on what it means for others or what it means for myself?

"Wow, that last one sounded pretty selfish."

There are times in your life when other people need to come first. Your partner(s), children, and family may simply take priority over what you need out of functionality or necessity, or you choose to put their needs first because it brings you more joy. Then, there are times where putting your needs first will ultimately create better outcomes for all the ones we love simply because they'll be presented with a more fulfilled, happier, healthier version of ourselves who is capable of being/doing better for the people we love. This last one may be hard to swallow for those of you who, like me, often put people ahead of ourselves, but- it's ok to focus on your needs and understand that you can not create a perfect outcome for everyone. You are not responsible for everyone's joy. You are not responsible for reactions, only your actions, though sometimes those actions may cause people pain.

Stay true to your decision and take ownership of it, treat people as kindly as possible within that process, and be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you'll get it right, sometimes wrong, such is the nature of life. Even when we get it wrong, that often comes with valuable information for the future, and maybe we get it right next time.

This isn't exactly what I intended this entry to be, but it just sort of flowed this way, so here we are.

As always, I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things!