The Fifth One.

Afternoon,

Hello, friends! It has been too long, I know, I know. You have been impatiently tapping your toes at me, and I am here to once again delight and astonish you with nonsense. I have some things to unpack today, so let's get started. 

I miss you, Ellen.

Jealousy: The ol' green eyed monster. We all experience it in different ways, and have different methods for handling it. He creeps in and doesn't even bother making himself comfortable, because he just wants to burn everything to the ground. Rude. I specifically would like to talk about jealousy in the context of polyamory today because I imagine most of you have pretty established opinions and feelings in regards to jealousy in monogamy and the source of that. Why not expand our mind frames a bit, yes? Although, if I say any of this right, it could probably shine some light on jealousy in general. Let's not get our hopes up though.




One of the most intriguing things about polyamory to me is how many different dynamics I see people in. I've joined a few Facebook groups, each one with a specific focus, and the different situations people ask for advice with are endless. Some couples will consist of two poly people, each with partners outside their primary relationship (which could be marriage or not marriage). Some, more like my situation, include one poly person and one who would identify more as monogamous but remains supportive and understanding of their partner's differences. Under each of those umbrellas are endless variations on the same theme, but the one thing that remains the same for every situation is each couple has a set of ground rules that make them feel safe, fulfilled, and respected. Perhaps some of those rules are not dating mutual friends, having a limited amount of nights per week to date, a certain number of outside partners that are permitted, always using protection, etc. Every person is going to have an ideal situation, but in the end it comes down to communication, compromise, consent. Lots of great C words.

Outside partners can look like a lot of different things: Close friends, friends with benefits, lots of benefits and not so much friendship, or romantic and sexual partnerships. That last category is where a lot of poly folk strive to land, it's more about intimacy and partnership than sex. Even there though, there's a whole lot of subculture. There's nesting, where you may share residence with more than one partner. Handfasting is popular, it's a Pagan tradition, but couples will use it as a commitment ceremony much like a wedding. I've noticed people married to one person legally but handfasted to another, married to no one but handfasted to multiple people, or multiple people handfasted to each other, with or without rings. It's seriously fascinating the ways people figure out how to show their partners that they are significant to them, and make each other feel seen. I think that is what this whole ball of wax comes down to, unique ways of expressing that your love for one partner doesn't negate the love you have for another. Although your title might be different, the feelings are the same.

A common thread I am seeing in these groups goes something like this: I am with _____ but I also love ____ and they are feeling jealous of my other partner. How can I help? Or: Hey, how can I stop my feelings of jealousy in my relationship? Now, of course, there are ten thousand variables for why a person could be feeling a certain way- life circumstances, history, etc. The root of my own personal experience with jealousy has always been a fear or insecurity about my place in my partner's life, not a desire to be the only person in it or a feeling of betrayal if I'm not. Knowing my own aversion to feeling boxed in to one set of feelings, it wouldn't occur to me to want to make someone else feel that way. I strive to deconstruct my jealousy and ask hard questions about why I feel insecure. Does this feeling come from past behavior proving my partner unreliable, or from a place of anxiety that it could? Love languages play a lot into this, and if you and your partner share a similar way of communicating your love. My love language is words of affirmation, to no one's surprise, and so I often want to validate my partners, assure them of their importance to me, tell them what I value about them, and I need that same expression in return. If I've ever began wondering about my relevance, the root of it was probably something to do with that.

SO, all that being said, remember what I said before?

1) Communication: Don't be afraid to express to your partner what your needs are. As awesome as they are, they can't read your mind. Do you only see them twice a week and wish it were three times? Let them know, discuss the feasibility, and give them the chance to come up with a solution. If you're in a loving relationship, I'd wager they want to work with you. This brings us to-

2) Compromise: Perhaps your partner is more than willing to give you that third day a majority of the time, but in return, they ask for days in between so they can recharge their battery? While we all have an ideal situation, it's very possible that your partner's isn't the same. Talk about what is most important to each of you, prove you're willing to bend, and they'll be more likely to do the same. So many times I hear people say they "know" their partner won't be alright with something, only to find out they are. We're building here- communication, compromise-

3) Consent: Give yourself permission to seek what brings you joy, and give your partner the same freedom, as long as it's under the umbrella of all that is safe, fulfilling, and respectful in your dynamic. Allow for spontaneity, or sometimes veering off the beaten path. It's very freeing to put complete trust in your partner and not expect them to check in with you every single step of the way. Part of being an adult is having autonomy, and in love it isn't different. We all need to feel like we're a complete person, and not just an extension of someone's vision of us. When we feel trusted, we're more open, so it shouldn't be a surprise that someone will be more open with you if they feel trusted.

This next part should go without saying, but never intentionally provoke jealousy in your partner, especially if we're talking about a poly lifestyle. Jealousy isn't a form of flattery, it is manipulation to those of us who believe in encouraging our partners to seek happiness wherever they choose. If you've given someone permission to seek other partners, and you found them taunting you with details of these experiences in an inappropriate manner, you'd wonder what you did and you'd feel insecure. Flipping that, if you're attempting to make me jealous, it's a direct correlation to me that you're attempting to make me insecure, and I won't understand why someone who claims to care about me would do that. Remember that apologies don't always erase what people see when they look at you. Choose your actions carefully, kindly, and always with love.

I'm no psychiatrist, but this all seems pretty legit to me? Could just be bullshit though, who knows. Buy the book, I guess?

That's all for today! I hope you enjoyed this stuff, and come back for more things.